Power, part 2 or, then what happened?

So, what happened after I stopped the primal urge to throw a brick through someones window, or wallop those associated someones heads with a two by four?

I dealt with the fact that I was terrified.  I dealt with the fact that I had little else to depend on, but a lot depending on me.  Yeah, I was a firework all right, apparently the kind that the woman behind the desk didn't quite admire. 

So what was there left to do? 

I had to put my money, or lack there of, where my mouth was.  I began to feel what waste was, and decided not to, as it became quickly apparent that I mindlessly had done quite a bit.  I began washing plastic bags out, instead of throwing them away.  I began shopping only for food we would use.  I cooked and I  maintained me, even if nothing else, because without me, none of it would really matter. 

I began to feel what poverty felt like.  There is terror in that, and shame.  But then you can begin to just feel, what the " !@#%," but to be honest, that is only if you can feasibly think there will be a safe place to sleep at night.  I began to appreciate "nothing else to lose." I began looking around, saying a possible good bye to all that I had acquired.  It was clear that I worked hard and long to acquire. 

Then I decided, now that I have nothing to lose, jeez I was glad I had good credit, I could breathe for a little while on that while I tried to solve this dilemma.  I didn't have much saved for any retirement that I might someday need to do, but I am also glad I had that.  Let that be a lesson to you young people... put some kind of safety net somewhere, it can help one day to keep some semblance of your sanity.  And then there comes the fact that the credit balance needs to be paid, and the fact that there is a limit, even if it is only the credit card company's. 

It has been somewhat comical to me that the people in my life might be worried about me, but, they had no real better ideas, than I look like I have!  This is funny, because I always seem to have some kind of ideas about everything!  I really would find myself useful to myself right about now...

So, "What happened next Mary?"  More next week peeps.

Where have I been?

      More than two seasons have passed, because it has been eight months since last I visited this blog space... I left you all with a tale considering power.  My last words hung on the realities of expressed violence and retribution as I understood how it could happen. 

     I have much to tell you about the journey of these last eight months, some of which you may have read on my examiner.com page as a career coach examiner.  Those pages however, are intended to be written in third person, where here, I can be more up front and personal.  So I decided to check in and let you know that I will continue with the story. 

     I believe, if you can't share the story, and all you've learned, it doesn't make the pain dissipate.  It doesn't make use of the strength that is acquired, or the healing that can be had if it is hoarded and kept private.  Sharing the journey helps another, it helps the community and I know, it ultimately helps the planet, as long as we don't get stuck there.

     I don't know what kind of schedule I will commit to with this just yet, because I am revisiting my personal goals as I continue to build my work life enough to open the floodgates on much needed revenue.  My interim goal is to write weekly here, instead of in my journal and use this forum to work on my examiner.com topics.

See you soon.

Mary